trigger warning: grief,death, loss

Still to this day, i panic if i have forgotten to put my phone on silent and it rings in the

middle of the night. It was 2020, both my parents were alive and well in NZ, and so i always slept with my phone on (my work and personal phone are one) incase anything should happen and there was an emergency.

Turns out that was a very intuitively accurate instinct, because 5 days after mums 78th birthday, recieved a call in the middle of the night that i needed to get back to NZ, TODAY.

For context, mum was my best friend. We spoke every other day and texted daily.

June 2020, Covid was new and everyone was terrified and the whole world was basically shut down + in quarantine. The flights to NZ were restricted to 2 per week... one of which, was that very day.- 4 hours from recieveing the call, to organise and pack for a flight and get to the airport.

They said she had pneumonia. So in my mind, i was expecting to get there, and find my mamzie sitting up in bed feeling alot better after some IV antibiotics.

As it turned out, sadly that was not the case.

Editing to mention that for all everyone trash talks the sexwork community, supporters and followers; it was THEY who had paid my return airfare by the time i touched down in Auckland.

And the outpouring of love and support towards rent diddnt stop the whole 6 weeks.

There was only 2 civilian people who were actual practical help, one gifted $20 and the other i'll be mentioning later, and is the 2025 christmas kindness project recipient.

Had been at the quarantine hotel half an hour, and was taking a rest before planning to try to get a special exemption to get out of it (had no idea at the time how difficult that would be) .

The phone rang, it was my brother, saying the family were all there at all at mums bedside and i needed to start saying goodbye, as she wasnt going to make it thru the night. Turns out it was sepsis, not pneumonia. She was intubated, and couldnt talk properly.

It all felt like some kind of slow motion, surreal nightmare.

When mama heard my voice, everyone said she visibly perked up (she was drifting in and out) and when i suggested they put me on facetime, she was agitated and forcefully said NO.

It was very clear She diddnt want me to see her like that. I said its ok mama, its alright. i love you.

(even with a tube down her throat), she managed to surprisingly clearly say i love you too; which was the last thing my mum ever said that wasnt pain related.

I stayed on that phone at her ear, with every other person she loved, sharing memories, laughs, milestones ect.

Now. i could be devastated and absolutely furious (and i was) that i was there in plenty of time to be there and quarantine kept me from holding her hand....

(i mean, you dont choose Australia to live so that it takes you 2 weeks to get to your loved ones in an emergency. In fact, its one of the guilt consolations... oh im only 4 hours away and thats no worst than living in a different city.(

But the predominant feeling, then, and even now, is grattitude.

Modern technology allowed me to be there in some form, for a right of passage and moments, that i wouldnt have gotten otherwise.

The hearing is the last of the senses to go.

That phone call, lasted 10 hours. about 5 am, most of the fam went home for some sleep....

and it was just me and my brother (i have 3) he said get a bit of sleep ill call you if

anything changes...so there was a nap for 45 min. When the ph rang, it was to say her breathing is getting pretty shallow, i think im gona call the family to come back.

(They were 45 mins away) And so, it was a pretty quiet half hour with us both straining to listen for any signs of change.. Looking back it was easy to see she waiting for her best friend, soul mate, and spouse of 50 years to return.

When he did, it was his turn to hold her hand and say goodbye,

that was the most heartbreaking thing ive ever heard in my life.😭😭😭💗💗💗

If you were passing her hospital room in the last half hour, you would have though we were cheering someone across the finish line of a marathon.

Its ok mama, you can do it, just one more step and you made it.

And then,13 hours after getting on the phone, just like that, she was gone.

MY mama. gone from me. 😭😞😭😭😭

And there i was, stuck in a quarantine hotel room,for almost 2 weeks

Dad was adamant she wasnt being cremated til i could say goodbye; but

They wouldnt even let me out of quarantine to drive straight to the funeral home and back to do that. So my beautiful mama was on ice for 13 days. because of me.

The guilt of that still catches in my throat,even as i type this 6 years later.

I chose her cremation outfit over the facetime.😭😭😞

My friend dropped off knitting needles and a few odd balls of wool, to pass time..

And got busy giving me (cat toy) mouse making lessons, to enforce an upgrade from skinny scarves.

The minute quarantine was finished,A brother came and picked me up and took me straight to the funeral home.

The whole drive from Auckland to Hamilton was nerve wracking.

The thought of going to see a deceassed body was something i had built up in my head to be terrible and traumatic and awful.

I was expecting THAT to be the hardest thing. (It wasnt).

Actually took 2 minutes. And wasnt really the emotional crying and sobbing and throwing myself onto the casket i guess i'd imagined.

She was gone. Well and truly. All that was there, was a shell. Silence. And stillness.

The beautiful spirit that my mama was in this life, had long since departed.

So i said my goodbyes, promised the same thing wouldnt happen with dad, Showed her what i knitted in quarantine, then decided he was going up in smoke with her as a security mouse for her final journey. 🤩 I placed him neatly in her hand, said one last i love you, and left.

After her service, and 10 days of being with dad, it was back to quarantine for another 2 weeks to then be able to return to Australia..

I was stressing about the quarantine fees. A friend was in the UK working as a high profile nanny... we had been friends online for ages, but never met. After our facetime, she dropped a large chunk of the quarantine fee straight into my bank, and said, you shouldnt be worrying about $ at this time. I dont want it back, its a gift.

of course i bawled my eyes out. A massive stress, instantly lifted.

Now, however, 6 years later, circumstances have changed, and whilst M is still inthe UK, she has become unemployed and is about to be homeless (no fault of her own, her own parents both died, a week apart back here in Aussie, and so she took a sabattical.) the legal red tape around her working visas ect, its veryfrustrating..

So she is my recipient of Vi's Kissmass kindness this year.

More about what that is coming later.....